You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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