I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
