It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
