Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
