the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize