I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
