My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
