my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
