i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
