My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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