whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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