pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
someone owes me an orgasm
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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