You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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