So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
