State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Randomize
