he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
