Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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