My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
