I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
