i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
