atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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