i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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