I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
