Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
