The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
