why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize