I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You can't motorboat a personality
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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