well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
