This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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