i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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