he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Houston, we have a squirter
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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