ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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