White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
