lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
