Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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