You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
