Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
