Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
