Pants 0. Shit 1.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
