Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize