I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
