You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Randomize
