Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
