I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
