Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He felt like a one man threesome
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
