Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
