I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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