she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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