Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
