I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
