he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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