she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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