i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
