I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
