my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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