i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
