I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
