yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
