need another drink. this is the easiest way
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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